I have decided...

to branch out of xanga and start a blogger

thesoberthoughtsofanoverthinker

The funniest thing...

I just posted to Twitter about how I find it interesting that no matter how many "religious" people try to "fix" me and my heart, its the unexpected that get through...
And its true...
Since my sister has died it has gotten worse...
its like whenever people from church start being cliche I start to tune em out...
not that I don't believe them, its like it feels like they don't know what else to say so they say what is ingrained in them...
which isn't always bad, but when its to someone that knows what they are "supposed" to say, it gets old... fast...

Tonight, has been an awful remembering night...
as well as last night...
its like whenever I close my eyes I see my sister and what happened to her...
on repeat...
I wasn't even there!
maybe its what I think happened...
maybe...
then I just see her body laying there with her hand out to the side...
ugh...

the unexpected, Leeper...
she's my sister's friend...
a breath of fresh air...
and I don't really know how, but she sent me some music vids, although from Christian bands, I had forgotten them songs...
I honestly didn't even remember her being a Christian...
but apparently she was before she went all rebellious teenager...
she hasn't been pushy but has brought things out that I hadn't wanted to talk about...

my heart aches...

I know I know, "Getting back on Xanga to complain and moan about life Sierra?"
No, no I'm not, but I don't have anyone to communicate with...
at all...
and I need to vomit some of my thoughts out before I really literally go crazy...
and to be quite honest, I feel like I am going crazy...
there is so much in there being jumbled around, I can hardly breathe...
and I know what your thinking, "Sierra, you can always cry out to God"...
and all I can say back is its easier said than done at this point in my heart...
ouch... 
yep...
ouch...

awesome now my mom is online harrassing me...
sweet...

here I go attempting to sleep... 

Today...

seems to be a numb day...
like, I feel, but I don't know how...
I'm just here...
numb, but here...
I don't know how else to describe it...

I have the next two days off and one of my friends asked me what we were doing...
Honestly?
I would love to get a babysitter, turn off my phone, and just leave...
not for permanant, just drive and be alone...
but I can't...
which makes me sad...
I don't regret ElyJah, I just miss my old life sometimes...
where I get up and go, and do whatever I want...
have no one else to be worried about...
meh...

...shoot me up with more novocaine please... 

I feel...

like I'm going crazy...

Oh my!!!

I keep thinking about getting on Xanga and I just hadn't...
It's almost been a year since the last time I've blogged on here!
Gotta start this again!

Today, I have been the stupidest EVER!
Who watches three lovey dovey weddingy movies in a row???
This girl and her Jonathan!!
(Which is soooo dumb!)
She's been married and divorced and watching these movies has totally made her miss all that marriage crap...
And I just recently have done a very girly stint which is abnormal for me...
So, needless to say we both are very um, sad...

But, we all know how I am...

I have been re-checked and re-put in my place...
my comfortable place where that whole thing is quite out of the question...
back to knowing where I am and what I am to people...
Oh well.

It is what it is.